Startled rabbit in the headlights

So, yet again, I'm awake at 1:30AM, and starting to write a blog. This is the curse of the insomniac who loves her coffee. And of course this also means this may well be a disjointed blog as I'll probably end up sleeping again before I post. (Oh, by the way, it is now 11:45am on Sunday morning so yes, this is a disjointed blog, as I'm now filling out earlier statements)

ANYWAY, Before we get into the more intricate details of my sleep pattern, well lack of sleep pattern. I shall now proceed to entertain you all with the story of my first week of final year.

The first thing to mention is that I actually forgot how nervous I get about some things. And apparently being back at university and having to actually go out and learn led to intense nervousness, to the point of not sleeping a wink the night before my first seminar. Always amusing (yes there was a hint of sarcasm right there for you). The morning before my first seminar, which happened to be Shakespeare resulted in me being out of bed at 7, starting to inhale coffee from 9ish and basically bouncing around my room whilst trying to control a panic attack. This then all culminated in me texting my Mum and declaring that I didn't want to go to my seminars, I couldn't do it. Of course, Mum knew best and told me to grow up and get on with it. So off I toddled ALL the way across the road to my first seminar. In which I was quite fine in, regardless of my irrational panic from earlier.

To make things a bit more interesting, I said something, in the seminar, that only happens once in a blue moon! And yeah ok, all I said was 'I didn't get it at all' in relation to what was happening in The Taming of The Shrew, which by the way, that was the play that we studied this past week, next week is Titus Andronicus, should read that tomorrow/today. I've read a bit and concluded that it is very, very violent!

So that was the end of the irrational panic then? That would be a NO! This panic continued for the whole of the first week. And annoyed me, immensely. I've been in and around Lincoln for most of the past 4 years, and I still get nervous coming to university? This is why you should never ever have any form of anxiety disorder, you can never really control it when it decides to flare and worry you. I just hope that it will not be here next week, I may actually go and cry to myself under my desk in my room whilst rocking back and forth. Yes, I actually will... Once I move all the bits and pieces that seem to have ended up under there in the past two weeks.

On a plus side though, Dissertation panic has subsided a fair bit following my meeting on Wednesday with my supervisor. Many ideas where thrown around which has got me thinking, and now I am working up the energy to go booknap some books to start reading for ideas of where I am going with Dr Who. I have a meeting again in week 4 to see that I am not going off on a complete tangent, this includes repeating the statement 'I <3 Dr Who/David Tennant' in my dissertation, it's not very academic! And also to finalise exactly what my 1500 words that we need to hand in for week 6 are going to be about.

Although, saying that, I have now caught up with series 7 of Doctor Who and instead of watching it for fun, I ended up debating if I could use stuff from this series for my dissertation. You'd think I'd want to cut down on material, given that I have 6 series to work with already, without adding an extra half of a series, BUT so many good quotes relating to Amy, Rory, River and The Doctor that could be used. I shall have to have a think on this, because the current obvious issue is that I don't have them on DVD and it depends on when they actually come out as to if I can include it. BUT SO MANY GOOD QUOTES.

I was about to go on a complete tangent here to talk about the Science Fiction module I am doing this semester, but realised, Dr Who IS Science Fiction, so lets just talk about that instead. I am LOVING it already. My inner Science Fiction and Fantasy geek is quite happy to be allowed weekly outings, I might let her stay around, although I would appreciate it if I could remember who wrote 'The Banned and the Banished Series' before I resort to google. And I was annoyed that I couldn't articulate my reasons for loving Science Fiction. I suppose I've grown up with it really, and read it from a really young age in things like Animorphs, that was fun to read when I was little. Yes, this module is awesome. And I am already trying to think what I could do my project on, I've got as far as 'NO DOCTOR WHO!' Because I'll go a bit more crazy if I'm not careful.

Backing up a bit, in my meeting with my dissertation supervisor, the issue of presentations and my irrational official phobia of them came up, this is one of those things that really, really bugs me. Especially now I know I can stand in front of an audience and thank people for coming to a burlesque show that I have organised. Yet the word, presentation still sets the fear to reappear in my life, although not as much as it has in the past. Maybe I am getting over it, who knows? I mean I did even volunteer to have a go, because there are only 12 students in there so it might not be too bad. However the back up plan is to yet again to do it 1:1 with the tutor.

Georgian literature seems to be interesting too, because it is the era when the novel first really kicked off en mass so to speak, so it will be nice to learn about it's development. However, I believe that for this week I am supposed to be reading a poem called 'Rape of The Lock' I should check this.

So In conclusion on the academic side of things, it looks like it is going to be a really enjoyable year and I hope that I do not have any breakdowns and manage to get through a year without any breakdowns/full freak outs/extensions on coursework etc etc etc.

In the social side, I am getting on with my housemates, which is always a positive. That was one of the massive things I was worrying about with returning to university, not getting on with housemates. Sars, Jasia and Chris are all people I feel comfortable with hanging out with. Friday night has to have been one of my favourite nights in Lincoln over the past million years that I have been here. We played a drinking game with Disney monopoly, but all ended up giving up (Jasia declared that she won by default). And then we ordered late night pizza and sat up until 2am just talking crap. It was fun, love random nights like that.

And let me end this ramble with the statement, next time I go to Asda I WILL NOT get lost going down a straight road!

Fresher's week

Hey all, 

So I've already failed the posting every Sunday thing like I promised (who exactly did I promise though? myself? you? the moon?) But I did have a genuine reason for not posting since arriving in Lincoln and it is a very, very simple reason. I had no internet access at all for 13 days. Well except for the access on my phone. And that was a bit sporadic, much to my annoyance. I was a very deprived child for two weeks, I did UNI WORK! Scary I know!

which leads us to here, two weeks after I moved to university, at which, you are about to experience 2 blogs in the space of two days, one right now, and one tomorrow. Because you need to know these things. This is after all the blog of me at university in my final year being a crazy person.

Why do you need to know about my life? Because I said so, even though my word is not the law!

Right then, before I start to turn this introduction into an essay in it's own right, here follows my posts from moving in on Saturday the 15th right up until the Saturday following. I wrote them on word! I would have hand written them, but I have a wrist (called George) whom makes it his mission in life to hurt me.

Enjoy my waffling. Although it is actually boring because the laptop hated me!


Saturday 15th September
The main problem with returning to university is the whole having to unpack thing. I am the sort of person to get distracted by ALL the shiny things in life, which means I get sidetracked by everything. A prime example of this is that I have now been in my room (at the time of writing this) for 5 hours and so far I have unpacked just my books, doctor who DVD’s and kitchen stuff. Ok, that is slightly more than I thought but still I could have fully unpacked by now.

I feel this may take until I have to start packing to leave before I finished unpacking!

By My plan of action today was to to start by making myself a cup of coffee and going from there... Which of course will turn into several cups of Coffee and avoiding unpacking like the plague.

Thursday 20th September
Had our third year ‘welcome back’ talk today- oh my god, pressure this year is going to be immense, and we haven’t even started. I know deep down that I can do this. But all the self doubt is starting to appear, my favorite train of thought so far is ‘OH MY GOD WHY DID YOU DO NO WORK OVER THE SUMMER WHY!!!’ But I know that this is because up until I was actual in my room at university, it honestly didn't feel real to me. So I suppose now is the time to start working, AND to try to not avoid the uni work, nor leave it until last minute. Especially if I am aiming for a 2:1. 

As an after thought, even though I am sat in my room at university, fully enrolled, complete with work to do, being back still doesn't feel like it has happened. Nor does it feel like I have had a year off.

Friday 21st September
Just been reading Russell T Davies book on Doctor Who and he has said something that I can relate to. He stated that he always lets ideas for stories formulate in his head before he feels confident enough to write them down to write/type/sound it out with someone. I always do this, for example, with my dissertation, I have had a few ideas formulating in my head for a while such as the chapters- how exactly am I going to chapter it? I’m starting to formulate some ideas, but I need to run some ideas past Le supervisor first.

Sunday 23rd September
I'd forgotten just how nervous going to university actually can make me. I am already feeling panicked about being back, mainly because I know no one on the course at all (except James actually). I know that I can do this, be at university again, starting from scratch, I've done it. Yet still the irrational fear will not go away, as is the curse of having an Anxiety disorder. Roll on next Friday when I've got through it all.

from last week....

So if you have me as a friend on Facebook, you may have noticed this status by me; 

Public school kids: it is a shame that when mummy and daddy handed you that silver spoon to put in your gob that they didn't teach you to respect others! 

I have been asked by a few people what the story behind it was and I haven't really said anything due to the anger that the situation actually caused. Now I've calmed down, I'm happy to mention why I got angry.

I went to meet my father at his workplace for a coffee, which is at YSJ uni, the way I walk to uni is via Bootham, which takes me past the delight that is St Peter's School. But the event which I am talking about happened on my way back home.

Upon nearing the school, I caught up with 4 female pupils who where following a middle age man who was walking with a prominent limp, and these young 'women' had been following him for a while, basically taking the piss out of the way that he walked. I overtook them and slowed down when I got near the man to see if he was ok, and he was crying his eyes out. He knew exactly what those girls were doing behind his back. I asked him if he was ok, he said no and asked if I would walk past the school with him. I said yes and walked part of the way home with him while he told me the reason that he had a limp. He had been born with a slightly shorter leg and couldn't help it. Once we got past the school and to a point our paths separated this man thanked me a lot for the kindness I had shown him.

These girls knew their actions where upsetting this man, yet continued to take the piss out of him. Just because they could.

If the man hadn't asked me to walk with him, I would have been straight into the school to tell them how disrespectful their 'privileged little brats where', but the man also asked me to let the issue drop because as far as he was concerned words would not help solve the issue.

But the question here is, why should we be afraid of speaking out against discrimination?

I'd also like to take a moment to thank my parents for teaching me manners and respect for others.

Last minute jitters!

I can't decide which emotion I am currently feeling the most about my return to university. I think I have gone through every emotion possible today. I mean I've bought half my reading list for this semseter now and have started reading them. (ok I started reading the comic book first, got to put my university head on slowly).

But in all honesty I am currently a mixture of nerves and excitment. I'm excited to be returning after what feels like a very long time off, but I'm nervous for many, many different reasons. I have so many questions running through my head, usually late at night before I sleep relating to returning to uni.

Will I make any friends on my course? What if I don't? What if I don't get on with anyone? What about my housemates? Will we get on? Or will it be like first year all over again? Will I actually get my degree? Can I do this? Am I capable of the 2:1 I dream of? Will I fall apart? Can I actually do my dissertation well? Will I fall apart if I have to do a presentation?

Yeah, that is the current train of thought. But I also know I can achieve these things, like getting a degree if I apply myself. I just have to ignore my self doubt.

In one week, I shall be back at university. It seems so very very close, yet still a little unreal. But, I know June 2013 will arrive so quickly, when I pack up my stuff to leave university and await the results of my degree.

Also, from next sunday/monday, I shall be attempting to write a post on this blog weekly about what is occuring. Hopefully it will be exciting.